


If I'm To Die Before You

by queermosapien



Category: Rhett & Link
Genre: Epistolary, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 01:57:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17479055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queermosapien/pseuds/queermosapien
Summary: if i’m to die before we spend a soft dayknow my final thoughts will be of regretif i'm to drown in the deep sea that parts usi once lived and loved, don’t forget





	If I'm To Die Before You

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of the song "If I'm To Die" by Keaton Henson. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3pwPgRwGmI  
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: cancer, mentions of death.

_from an envelope labelled "To Rhett, Read After It Happens":_

 

Rhett,

Hey man. I'm not exactly sure what's compelling me to write this all in a letter (actually, that's not true, I know exactly what it is, but we'll get to that later), when I could just tell you to your face, but, I don't know. I don't want to. I never have wanted to. Too scared? Not of you, even, just scared of... everything that could happen. This way is easier, because by the time you see it... well, it won't be my problem anymore, will it? I'm sorry to do it this way, but please try to understand.

It's currently eleven at night on June 5th, 2022. I just turned 45 a few days ago. You were there, remember? We had barbecue, you made it and you laughed so loudly the whole day. How'd you manage not to age, man? You're older than me but I'm the one falling apart. I went grey before I ever planned to and now here I am, not even fifty, and...

Shit.

They told me this morning. Maybe two months left. It started in my lungs. (How stupid is that? I don't even smoke.) Christy was good about it, didn't even cry. That woman is tougher than anyone else I know. Asked all the right questions, while I was just sorta sitting there. Trying to... process it, I guess. They said there was nothing that could be done. The word "palliative" was said a lot. I don't know. It's kind of a blur.

Anyway, there's no point in me saying any more about it. By the time you read this, you'll know. That's not why I'm writing it all out.

I'm writing this as an apology.

I'm so sorry, Rhett. I really, truly am sorry for being so scared of everything. I'm not blind, and I'm not stupid. I'm just, willfully ignorant? Pretending I didn't know. Pretending it wasn't there. It's all been one after another, you reach out and I pretend you're not. I pretend I don't want to reach back.

Rhett, I want to. Wanted. And now it's too late, and I've spent forty years pushing you away and now I don't have any more time left to tell you

 

Sorry. Had to stop for a bit.

I guess the point of all this is that I know now I'm out of chances and have been for a long time, and I wish I'd been smarter about this. I wish that I'd told you everything when we were sixteen. Or twenty. Or before my wedding day. Or when Christy threw that phone at me and I left and went to find you, because you've always been the safest place I can think of. Or at any of the other opportunities that you gave me and I ignored.

I'm so sorry that every time you said you love me, I didn't say it back. Or I did, but I had to soften it by adding a disclaimer. Like "brothers" is somehow adequate to describe the relationship someone has with their soulmate.

Wow that was the stupidest thing I could have possibly said, sorry again for that specifically. See, this is why I'm writing you a letter to open after all of this comes to its conclusion, so you won't laugh at me when I inevitably say garbage like that.

You're always laughing at me, and you know what? I love it.

I love you.

It feels weird to say that, still, even knowing that this is my last chance and knowing that it's all I've ever wanted to say to you.

I love you, Rhett.

I've always loved you.

Christy doesn't know, and I'd like if, when you read this, you try not to tell her. She deserves to keep believing that she's first in my heart. ~~even though she's never been first, it's always been you~~ You know what she's like. She'd never forgive you, or me, and I want her memories of all this to be good. As good as they can be, anyway.

I love you, though. I want to say it a thousand times before I go, but I'm still so chickenshit, I'm still too scared, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you.

I LOVE YOU. (writing it in capital letters has more impact, I think?)

It's late. I should stop writing. There's so much left to say and I don't know if I'm happy with this being the last words you read from me, but there's time in person to talk to you. It's just this, this one thing that I can't say out loud.

I love you. Know that when I'm gone, whenever it happens, it's going to be you that I miss the most. I wanted to love you more than I ever did. I wanted to hold you, to touch you, ~~to kiss you~~ to show you how beautiful you are and how much you've always meant to me. Know that when I'm going, you're going to be the last face I imagine.

Don't rush to meet me when I go, though. If I reach heaven and you're there before forty years pass, I'm going to be so pissed.

I wonder if heaven looks like the Cape Fear? I bet it does.

 

I love you.

 

\- Link

 


End file.
